What To Say When A Biped Asks Why You Can’t Walk On Yr Feet Legs, And Other Awkward Questions

Q:

“What happened to you?”
“What happened to your legs?”
“What’s wrong with your legs?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What’s the [mobility aid] for?”
“What’s with the [mobility aid]?”
“What did you do to land yourself in that thing?”
“Permanent or temporary?”
“So… car accident?”
Etc

A:

  1. “Termites”
  2. “Nothing happened, I was born and it got worse”
  3. “Why do you ask?” + repeat ad nauseum
  4. “Sorry, didn’t catch that” + repeat ad nauseum
  5. “Me legs just fell off one day” (especially good if you still have legs)
  6.  “Me legs were eaten by sharks” (see above; important to specify that multiple sharks were involved)
  7. “What legs?”
  8. “I don’t like to talk about my medical history”
  9. “I don’t like to talk about my medical history with strangers”
  10. “I don’t like to talk about Fight Club”
  11. “I don’t believe in talking about my medical history before marriage”
  12. “Oh my God, Karen, you can’t just ask someone why they’re disabled”
  13.  “I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you”
  14. (to “what’s the stick/cane/crutch/walking frame for”) “For walking”
  15. (to “what’s the [mobility aid] for”) “For mobility”
  16. “That’s a weird question”
  17. “That’s a bit of an intrusive question actually, I’m not comfortable talking about it”
  18. “I know you don’t mean to be rude but that’s a bit of an awkward question and I’d prefer not to answer”
  19. “My parents shagged”
  20. lemon scream
  21. Feign ignorance then look down at your mobility aid & say “oh where did that come from”
  22. “I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee”
  23. “What up I’m Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how to walk”
  24.  “BEES?????????”
  25. Just stare at them in silence and then very slowly raise your finger to your lips and say “shhh”
  26. Just stare at them in silence and then very slowly raise your finger to THEIR lips and say “shhh”
  27. Just straight up start belting out the 1986 hit single “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” by the Police
  28. Just straight up start belting out the 2011 hit single “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga
  29. “Tragic drop bear attack”
  30. “Tragic masturbation accident”
  31.  “Oh no this [mobility aid] isn’t mine, I’m just minding it for a friend” + then start laughing but with kind of an edge to it then gradually move away from them while continuing to laugh
  32. “Oh, it’s, um, hmm, long story, I don’t know it’s uhhhhh it’s weird to explain, uh it’s my ? joints ?? it’s ? a genetic thing?? I’m ? connective tissue disorder” (I don’t actually recommend using this one but in the spirit of transparency it is my usual response)

Other good responses

33. “Died in the war” (via my mate Paul)
34. “Really bad sex swing accident” (via someone called Lorna)
35. “I don’t like to talk about The Incident” (don’t remember where I heard this one)
36. (re: a prosthetic leg) “I got really into pirates a few years back” (via this person’s dad)
37. (in response to intrusive strangers) “I’m so sorry, obviously we’ve met before but—” sheepish laugh “—I’m afraid I don’t remember your name.” (via this person on Twitter)
38. (in response to “why are you in a wheelchair”) “Why aren’t you?” (via this person on Twitter)
39. add yr own in the comments. Have fun xox

 

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